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August 30 In my lifetime!My mom was an amazing woman. She was the first woman supervisor in her plant. Ended up heading about 5 shops. In many ways she was a maverick in her time. She was good to the people who worked for her... all sizes shapes and colors. So, it always kind of made me wonder when she would make a racist comment every so often. When I was a teen, I called her on it. As she got older, she would just say that's just how she saw things. I grew up learning about slavery, injustice, civil rights... and for some reason, I did not turn out as racist as my mom could tend toward. She wasn't bad (and yes any racism is bad), it would just be apparent in comments she made. I like to think I tried to see people, all people as human. However, I have to admit that when I am in "bad" areas and I see African American men I have put my radar up. Shame on me. I didn't really see it until I interpreted for an African American young man in my school and interpreted for him in wrestling for 4 years. We were close. People asked at meets if he was my son. He' s a great person, and it would be an honor to have him as a son. So now, when I feel stupid thoughts creep up I think of this student and ask myself if I would want anyone thinking the same about him. I've interpreted Martin Luther King, Jr's "I have a Dream" speech many times. No matter how many times I have heard it and interpreted it, I still feel I cannot adequately convey the power of the speech. What lofty, wonderful ideals. Maybe it is because I work with deaf people and see how they are held down, I notice how "others" are treated. (and maybe after the paragraph just above I could be called a hypocrite) I want better for our country. I want there to fairness for all. However, I doubted that in my lifetime I would see anyone who is a minority be nominated by a major party and have a chance to become president. Watching the Democratic National Convention this past week, I learned what I could when I could. It's surely not my only source. That would be pretty lazy on my part as a voter. I try to look at a balance of sources. Anyway.... When they made the decision to suspend the roll call of states and make a motion to put all the delegates to Obama, it touched me. This is history. Then, watching his acceptance speech I kept thinking .... this is real.... he may very possibly become president. Wow. How cool is this? Colleen was surprised when she heard the catch in my voice. We were watching the speech together and she was taking notes for her writing. She's of the generation that thinks it's weird that I would wonder at this happening in my lifetime. Her best buddies in preschool up in NY were all different hues. She loved all of them. She loved the family center teacher, Mrs. Camacho because she wore beautiful colors and always had time for her. She used to be drawn to different culure's tables and exhibits when she danced at international festivals. I'm so glad that it doesn't put a catch in her throat. Colleen can look at it from a historical perspective but think, "well that's how it should be". The McCain choice? This will surely show my bias.... the choice smacks of desperation and of being a gimmic. I will try to remain open to learning as much as I can though so I can make an intelligent choice on November 4th. 3 of my 4 kids will be voting that day too. August 29 Friday!!! Good to have a Friday off. Yep, just started back last week, but I already appreciate days off. Go figure. Our classroom is set up pretty well. We changed the desks around a bit and it looks pretty good. About the only glitches were that we really couldn't meet with our teachers as they were in a bunch of meetings when we were there. We did give them folders on which kids they would have in class, a condensed IEP (which only has the info that they need for their classroom and they know which personnel will be in there. I hate it when we do not have any time to inservice the teachers and I really don't like having to just show up the first day without any notice to them. I half thought about going back in today. Would be silly though. The inservices we had las week were alright. It is kind of hard to listen to the top supervisors tell us how important we all are when we all know the stuff they're doing. Our friend C was only just hired back this week on about Monday. There's really no reason for them to do that. The other inservices were pretty decent. We had things for interpreters and it is always good to be able to go to something that relates to your job. Um... it's weird knowing this will be our last year. This has been the best program I have worked in mainly because of the head teacher I work with. She's awesome. We raise the bar for all of the kids and for ourselves. The way Glenna works brings out the best in all of us. We provide excellent services. I find myself trying to savor even silly little things and put them into my memory so I can look at them again after we all part. I have been looking at job listings here and there. Not seeing a lot here in the Philadelphia area, but I do have several options. Have to keep on top of the job search - it's not something I can slack on and I am lucky to have a lot of notice. It seems there are oodles of jobs in GA and NC. It will all work out the way it is supposed to. Cannot remember if I posted that Eddie got his license last Friday or not. A friend of a friend has a T bird sitting in his driveway that he is ready to get rid of. Hopefully, the guy can find the title and then Eddie can have a water pump put in (or have friends help him put it in) and he can have a working car to go to his work study assignment. It would help me out. Eddie has saved a nice amount of money from his internship/job and hopefully that will continue to add up. That way he can pay for repairs and gas. End of the summer.... boo hoo. I'll miss not having to think about what to wear to work and not having to heat the house. Still, I am looking forward to the school year. I miss the students. They're a good group. It will be fun seeing them again next week. (not so sure they will think so!) Happy Labor Day weekend! August 24 bday! Almost forgot... yesterday was my bday. I don't know, for some reason this age seems way older. All mind tricks, I guess! The kids were pretty good with it this year. Colleen and I went to pick up my packet for today, then to an Arts Festival in the neighboring town. We had a really nice time. There was enough for both of us to look at. They even had some abstract artists and photographers like Colleen likes. Colleen, Eddie and I went out to dinner at the place where Liam works. Much fancier (more expensive) food than I thought, but man it was good. I had a crab cake and a salad which was perfect. Colleen had Eggplant parm. and Eddie had a black angus meatloaf. For desert, Colleen and I split a German apple cobbler. Liam came out twice, since we got there later so it wouldn't be so crowded. He and his buddy Sebastian kept asking how everything was. (they had made our dinners) Liam and I have been trying to get together for a while, so he was nice enough to make it his treat. Colleen gave me a book, a John Mellencamp cd and a thermos from work and Eddie gave me a crochet book. Jamie had treated me to a dinner the other night and wanted to make a donation to toward the walk. I don't think that worked out, but I am fine with it. It was a very nice birthday. My sister and my friend Chris called, and that was very thoughtful as well. How lucky am I to have such nice people in my life? Pretty darn lucky if you ask me! 5k 5 countries represented 36 different state residents 700 volunteers 5000 participants nearly $3,000,000 raised! Yay, Philly Livestrong!!! This morning was the 5k for me. I was lucky enough to be able to participate in the Philadelphia area Livestrong Challenge event. This is right in my own "backyard". Montgomery county is a suburb of Philadelphia and they had the event here at the local community college. No problemo... and how neat that it is so close - 5 minutes away! Well, until I hit the line of cars lined up going to the same venue. Less than a half mile took about 20 - 25 minutes to get into and park. Such a good thing though!!!! Since it took so long to get into the parking lot, I figured I would miss the welcoming address from Lance Armstrong himself. Didn't stop to go to the bathroom. It was about 7:15 and we were set to start the 5k at about 7:35. Guess they heard too many people were having trouble getting in, so they held the starts of all groups. That's fine other than the idea that I didn't pee! Anyway.... we had a lovely greeting from a few folks, there was an interpreter for deaf folks - woo!, and address from I think Lance's coach then Lance, then they started each group. 100 mile cyclists, 70 mile cyclists, 45 mile cyclists, 10 mile cyclists then the 5k runners and walkers. As far as I can figure, we started at 8:30. There was an electronic tribute screen, where you could send in pics of your heroes. No surprise here I did not get mine in on time, but it was enough to make me think of my Mom, Dad old friend Ellen who we lost from stupid cancer and all the folks I know who have beat it. It was a very touching part of the day. It was cool watching the cyclists start out... so many!!!!! People were clapping for each other, some were kind of dancing to the music being piped in... just a very positive, fun atmosphere. Finally we got to start the 5k. I felt a little bad for the runners. It was tough for them to get a good start as they had to weave around us slow-poke walkers. The walk was tougher than I thought, but I could handle it. Along the way, you saw the good police and fire personnel blocking intersections throughout the route, people sitting in their yards clapping and sometimes with posters in hand or in the yard... little kids running with a coach or parent.... they were so cute - honest, determined and did I say cute?... participants of all races, sizes, degrees for health and ages. Many had "survivor" on their pin thingys, "in memory of" or "in honor of". There were kids facing cancer in what they called pedi-somethings. Things they could sit in behind a bike - that was very cool. Some bald heads with family or friends... shoot if they can do it, surely I can.... You pass by the runners as they loop back from one of the residential streets on the course.... there was even a water station at 2 places... not being a marathoner I felt silly, but the water was very welcome.... where you come in to finish is really neat. It's so great to see the survivors crossing and getting their roses. You go through an arch of yellow balloons and then under a big Livestrong sign. After the finish, the wonderful volunteers are so sweet. One took off my ankle thing. (I didn't know you really didn't need one for the walk) You're handed a hand towel and water. You say "thank you" and the respond with "no, thank you." They could not have been nicer and had a huge job. I finished in about 50 minutes. (so that's about 16 minutes per mile-which is alright) The back of the runners, beginning of the walkers and about the same time as some of the 10 mile bike folks. By the time we were done, I was sweating a lot. (my, how feminine!) I really didn't care. It was well earned and the cause could not be any more worthwhile. I cooled off a bit, hit the port-o-potty (oh, joy!) and walked around the tent and after "party" area. There were a bunch of sponsors there, you could get a free message, lots of give aways.... Went and had my free lunch about 10:30 or so. Sat at a table with a gentleman who was holding the seats for his team-mates. They were all the way from Calgary, which he was nice enough to let me know is 2500 miles away. They had bicycled down here relay style where they take turns, stopping for the night along the way. I don't remember if he told me when they started, but they got here last Thursday. He asked me some questions about the area... which I didn't reammy know the answers to... main industries - other than Merck I don't really know, how many people live in Philly... uhhh... yeah, I was a great representative. He went up to get his food and I felt good to be able to watch his belongings - he had been nice enough to let me sit there. When they got back, I wished them well, then walked around again. There was an acoustic group playing pretty good music on the main stage. After walking around a little more, I decided it was time to take my sweaty self home. Lance was due back at 12:30 to speak again, but I just felt too smelly to stay. (to the organizers' credit, there were nice shower facilities - it just seemed silly when I live so close) It was a very good day. Yay, Philly! August 23 highs and lows The week has been crazy and has flown by. Truly enjoyed the wedding weekend, seeing everyone and taking it all in. Jennifer and Jason are a lovely couple. It was wonderful to see all the fam. The cousins all danced togeteher and had a blast. Getting home Monday morning really tired us all out, but it was so worth it. More later, as today is crazy busy. Had the start of the school year this week. Inservice Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Fairly predictable, but not totally terrible. The toughest part was dropping Eddie at work and trying to high tail it 55 minutes to the inservice on time. (the hall monitors will get ya if you're not in session on time and doing exactly what they thing you should be doing!) Low: Colleen's continuing struggle which is not going to have her in school this semester. She's having a hard time with it and there's not much I can do to help. She did write what I think is a kick-butt piece about it which I hope helps her tame her demons: http://www.phawker.com/2008/08/21/how-i-got-to-starbucks-a-teenage-memoir-of-mid-life-crisis/#more-12112 High: My baby got his license yesterday! Of course there had to be drama, but he has it now and seems pretty happy. Now if only I would give him sole control of our family car 24/7! Not happening. He's making pretty good money though, so after some public transportation sessions, he should be able to save money for a clunker soon. August 18 tired but happy! Hmm... pretty darn tired and my first day back to work is tomorrow. It was well worth it, though. The weekend was so much fun, and it was wonderful to see everyone again. I had missed my brother, Ron, his wife Karen and their girls. The wedding and all the activity around it were fun and enjoyable. Hoping to post the pictures very soon and talk more about the weekend. August 15 Crazy, crazy! Things are going to be hectic all day today getting ready to leave for my niece's wedding tomorrow. So much to do! Last night., I did finally get my walk in but not til after 7:30.... dumb idea on my part - by the time I got to the park it was raining very lightly. I kept my eye out for any lightning, (there have been an unusually high number of people struck here in se PA and southern NJ) but kept going. The light rain was not bad - almost felt refreshing. Then it picked up. The folks on the basketball courts and the walking path mostly went home. It was nearly dark and I didn't like the idea of continuing to walk alone in the dark. I only got 2 miles in. Grr. I'm glad I did that, but I was aiming for 3. Did that earlier today. They were about 16 minute miles, which is okay, I guess. At this point, I don't think I will be able to be any faster unless I start to jog. That would not be a pretty site. The other day I weighed myself. Back when I was married, my weight had gone to what has been my heaviest. I lost 30 pounds during the year after the separation. (although you could say I lost an additional 220 lbs!) It was pretty difficult, but I did it. I vowed I would never get that big again. Well lo and behold, I was only 13 pounds away from that 2 days ago! Ack!!!!!!! Goodness. I have felt the difference as it did not all just suddenly appear.... but it seemed to not be that bad. It is that bad. My thyroid levels were supposedly within normal range, but it seems seems like it's harder to loose this time. So far, I've lost about a lb to 1.5 lbs. Yeah I know it's only been 2 days. Still, when you're walking as much as I have been, I feel like it should be melting off. Ah well, I feel better anyway. Did try to take my inhaler today before I went. Can you believe that when I grabbed it the co2 cartridge part of it fell behind the piano?! Think someone is trying to tell me something!!! Either that or I am a bit clumsy. Gotta go!!!! Laundry, errands galore and what not are waiting. August 13 tired! Wow, I remember looking at the clock last night (this morning) around 3 am and knowing today would be tough. Too many things swirling around in my head. Nothing new there. After I dropped Eddie off at work, I came home and slept for about another hour. So....about 4.5 hours total. Ugh. Got a few things done this morning and finally made it out to walk about 1:30. I had been shooting for 11. Anyway... Got 4 miles in today. It wasn't all that fast, but I got it done. It felt good, because I did it. Physically, it did not feel that great. It was hotter today - 81-84 or so, and the left calf is still bothering me. It also occured to me that I have an inhaler for a reason. That hit me at about 3- 3.5 miles. I wasn't sucking wind, but it wasn't easy breathing either. Duh, Janice.... full intake of oxygen might be a good thing. Yep. When I picked Eddie up today, we just kind of enjoyed each other's company on the ride home. Thinking about it now, it is clear - I like my kids. They're good people, funny and smart. They are kind. As this part of my life winds down, I think that's a great thing to be able to say. How lucky am I? Course, I still get to be mom, just not as actively involved. That's perfectly fine. August 12 owie Yesterday, I got a really good walk in. 3.5 miles! It was a good, cool day and I needed to be outside for a while. The park is across the street from one of the Merck buildings. (we have about a zillion in our area which is a good thing) There were alot of Merck employees out walking. With so many out there, it was by far the most people I've seen out on the walking trail. For whatever reason, everything looked super green. I always appreciated our area's green-ness when we live in Queens. I think we have about 7 trees total on our block there. When we would get back into PA, it just felt like a relief because it was so much greener. The owie in the title has to do with my stupid calf muscle. If it wasn't for that, the walk yesterday would have been near perfect. It started feeling a little tight as I neared 3 miles, but I had it in my head that I was walking 3.5 miles, so I kept going. The way it feels today, that may not have been a good idea. I wonder if I ever learn though, as I am planning to try to walk again today. I just don't have much time before the 5k. I may try to tap the wisdom of one of the PE teachers I work with. It looks very much like Colleen will just be working this Fall semester. It is concerning me, as I don't want her to give up. Money's a b*tch though. Geez, I wish I had been able to have money socked away for the college expenses. Hard to do when you're scraping by. There are so many little buggers who have mommy and daddy paying for anything and they party away their tuition. Makes me mad to see a Kid that desperately wants to be there and cannot. Sometimes, the US system is just messed up. Much to do today!! August 10 rain Had very good intentions on going out and getting a really good walk in today. Of course, it's raining complete with thunder and lightning. I looked on the forecast and we should have a period of clearing about 4-7 this afternoon, so I am shooting for then. I am itching to get out there. Friday night, I watched the Opening Ceremonies. Frankly, they are always a good sight, I most enjoy when all the countries come in. This one was definitely the biggest and best. I guess with a country of 1.3 billion you would expect something big.... and it surely was. Many times, the ceremonies are kind of corny.... and this one had its moments. I could have done without the military doing the goose-step with the flags. That was almost scary. I mostly enjoyed the parts that involved children. The highlights for me included: 2000 drummers - mostly amazing, although I did get a creepy, they're almost automated feeling...., the part where they were spotlighting when the Chinese invented printing and had the blocks for characters moving up and down and making different pics or movements. I was astonished when they revealed humans were doing all that. I thought surely it was machine and computer driven. During the parade of nations, when the home "team" came in I got goose bumps hearing the crowd of 90000 cheer for them. Seeing Yao Ming walking with the little boy who saved some of his classmates was touching. Later when they were in place on the field, he was holding the little boy most of the time. I have always thought highly of Yao Ming. After that, it's a no brainer. Today I caught the end of the Men's basketball game between China and the US. I cannot say that I have really ever been fond of many NBA players. I can watch a game and appreciate their prowess. However, I think having Allen Iverson here in Philly for a while has soured me. It was refreshing to see the USA players playing where they weren't intentionally running up the score toward the end. There were good willed handshakes at the end and they even acknowledged the crowd. Our team is intent on playing and placing better than in the 2004 Olympics, but I think it's even more important that they represent the country with integrity. From what I saw today, they are. Woohoo! It's a great change. One week left before going back to work. Ugh and yay! I am looking forward to being back in a routine. This year we will be working knowing it is the last year for our group to be together. It will be bitter sweet to say the least. I am hoping we can make the most of it. During the year I will be doing a great deal of job hunting. I'm sure I'll feel much better as we end the program if I can have an idea there is something else in place when I'm done. My usual procrastinating would be a very bad thing. Have to go pick up Colleen from work. Have a lovely day! August 08 blip Now, it feels as if all the Bill "drama" was but a blip on the radar screen. Just enough to send everyone into a panic. Hopefully, there will be no more for a long, long time. The weather feels almost Fall-like today. Such a strange thing for August 8th in our area. Who's to say we won't have another string of 90+ days in a week or two? Such bizarre weather. It could be worse, that's true and appreciated... when it comes down to it, our area is not apt to extremes like hurricanes, tornadoes and such. This is great walking weather!!!!!! Not so much fun was trying to get my dinner. I guess it serves me right for not cooking for myself. I went to Burger King as I was hankerin' for a whopper jr. With the stupid dairy allergy, I am always looking at listings of ingredients or asking and double checking to NOT have cheese thrown on everything. I am usually pretty diligent about this. Not tonight. When the lady behind the microphone asked If I wanted cheese, I said "no, no cheese". Drive around... wait for the car in front of me to leave.... pull up. The very nice lady at the window seemed a little flustered. Apparently the party before me decided to drive away without their food - had canceled their order. Does Janice take that as a signal to double check? Nope. Drive home, open my fast food morsel and I can see the stupid cheese immediately. Ugh. It's not worth driving all the way back. I ate the stupid sandwich and am now waiting to see which wonderful malady will descend upon me - migraine?, stomach cramps?, big honkin' hive/pimple like things? .... time will tell. Sometimes I wonder about my decisions. Not going to do this again any time soon. The Olympics' Opening Ceremonies are set to start here (telecast anyway) in about 20 minutes. I have mixed feelings with it being in China. I love learning about other cultures, and China is a plethora of cultures all in one country! The human rights violations and environmental challenges are big on my list of reasons. However, I will be glued to the set and especially watching the swimming events. I miss swimming laps so much. Just wish my sinuses and weirdo ears would cooperate. I cannot wait to watch these world class athletes swim. It amazes me to see them move like some kind of aquatic animal or fish. I've studied books, videos and studied coaching techniques, especially when I was impersonating an assitant boys high school swim coach, but I am mesmerized at watching these fine men and women as they glide through the water. Drooling over! Not much else really happening. MUCH to do before Jenn's wedding and the beginning of inservice. Looking forward and dreading the beginning of the school year all at the same time. Go figure. As always, I am a tempest of emotions! August 07 peace! Ok, so maybe not peace completely yet. I do find myself less indignant about the situation, just sad that Bill has sunk (sank?) so incredibly low. We really don't get all that much info, so there's really nothing we can do. It irks me though that I still have the desire to go get the babies. Sometimes I think I am just a bit "touched". The idea of rearing a 1 year old and almost 3 year old again just boggles the mind. If it was possible though..... Jamie and I have talked pretty much every night. That's a good thing, I guess. The last year or so we had adjusted to her being at school and she was busy enough and comfortable enough to not feel the need to phone home as often. I'm glad she can call us. All of the sudden, I realize my niece's wedding is less than 2 weeks away! Much to do!!!! Well, not all that much but enough. I'll be renting a car.... my good ole Toyota might not make it up and back, and I have no desire to be stuck somewhere on the side of the road 5 hours away from home. I'm sure Ron and Karen would help us out... all the same, it would just complicate everything way too much. Met for our book group last night. It's a good mix of women and we all seem to enjoy each other's company and contributions. It was a very nice surprise that my buddy Patti was there. I though she would be away camping but they got home the night before. Still, she arrived looking lovely and brought some South African iced tea with her. It was delicious. The book we read for last night was Pillars of the Earth. It's a hefty read, but moves along pretty quickly. Most of the ladies thought the violence was over done, but other than that enjoyed it. I thought it clarified why some of the characters acted like they did and emphasized how brutal life could be in the 1100s. The historical info and decription of building methods of the day and the huge undertaking building a cathedral was what made me interested throughout. The next book we're tackling is Sarah. First, I have to get through the senior summer reading assignment for a class I'll be interpreting in the Fall. Into the Wild. I've only gone through the introduction/forward so far, but I think this one will be interesting. Gorgeous out... don't want to waste it! August 06 nothing new And I guess that's a good thing. (meaning I haven't heard anything else on the Bill front) Oh wait, I fib. Talked to my sister last night. Jamie was with Deb and my brother Jim and his family on vacation when Bill called. Apparently, he called quite a few times. I really don't know what he expected Jamie to do. He also said something to her about having to "save his children". Uh, yeah say that to one of the kids you walked away from?!!! I know, nothing should surprise me any more. Although she was quite calm when I talked to her, at the time she was really upset and wanted to do something. Deb and Jim's SO, Brenda, were able to talk to Jamie and help her feel better. This morning, I went to an on line Alanon "meeting". I have not been to one since about 1993 or so. At the time, it felt like it saved my life... at the very least, my sanity. There are so many things I had forgotten, and am glad to have them back in my life. Not glad there is a need, but surely glad it is there. Face to face meetings are probably much more effective, but it's nice to have the meetings on line. It's a good start. I also ordered a book for Jamie and one for me. If any of the other kids seem interested, I'll do what I can to get them the info. The rest of today will be gathering my paperwork to apply for a passport. It's just one of the things I have on my list for this summer. Any hey you never know! Colleen found the pictures from my friend, Faith's bridal shower and wedding. (they were hiding on the memory stick, which had come loose) Hopefully I will have time to add them later today or tomorrow!!!! August 05 the beat goes on Yesterday and today a beautiful weather wise. It's a good idea to focus on that. Lucky for us, there are a lot of other good things that surround us. The Bill situation remains as it was the last time I posted. (at least as far as we know) I did not sleep at all the night before last, and it did not help all day yesterday. All my kids know now except Liam. He is in the middle of a move, so I'm not all that sure exactly where he is staying. I called his cell yesterday and asked that he call me back or stop by the house. Spoke to Jamie on the phone last night. She seems pretty okay. She's back at the day camp working, plus doing the headhunter call work at night at her apartment. It was really nice seeing her over the weekend. I had missed the girl. I found a website that gives an over-view of what the Salvation Army does, especially in the shelters I think Bill may be in. I ended up not calling Kathleen Anne last night. I wasn't really processesing what anyone said well, and I was speaking even worse. The SA website did make me feel better. Course, it can be the best program in the world and it can't help him unless/until he's ready to really work at it. Colleen has been down in the dumps. She doesn't know if she can go back to school financially. The poor kid worked her rear end off in high school and now it seems all for naught. I've given her some of my suggestions, and she has been talking to some other people. The Navy is once again a big possibility. She really needs to go and talk to someone at her school and get some real info. She could go to the local community college and transfer some credits, but she has to be really careful and triple check everything. Col's pretty sad about her dad. I think she (and the other kids) had found some kind of peace about her dad not being in her life. Having everything in the second family all go to pot sort of validates that there was never anything wrong with her (them) and that it was her dad just not being able to handle anything. Maybe they would like to help him.... financially, we don't have anything to help with.... if there was a way they could magically make things better for him I think they would. He's their dad and every kid wants their parents to love them and be okay. I think what most bothers my kids is that he's screwing with another set of kids. They know full well all of the struggles they've had and how much it all stinks. Now, their step brothers and half sister and brother are going through much the same and worse. Eddie was pretty darn ticked last night when I was able to tell him. He's done with his dad, and so mad about what's happening with the other kids. Eddie had been kind of indecisive about his dad for a long time. This has just completely turned him off to the idea of ever having some kind of relationship with him. It's such a shame. His buddy, Matt was over last night. I'm glad Matt was here so that Eddie had another guy to talk to when he and I were done. Matt's always been there for Eddie and vice versa. I'm going to try to get him to the YMCA too so he can exercise some. Guys just seem to need that kind of thing. Then again, it's good for all of us. What has hit all of us over the head big time is that these kids also do not have a mother than can and will step up and do what needs to be done to help her kids. I'm not saying I'm "all that" when it comes to being a mom, but I did a damn good job with my kids. Managing finances and domestic goddess-wise I suck, big time. But, I raised really really good human beings. Granted, they have always been good hearted individuals, and we are very lucky that way. My kids never had to wonder if I loved them or would take care of them. That has always been a given. This morning I really realized that I would do everything again and then some for my kids. It has been and is worth every minute. We are blessed. Even so, sometimes I think I must be a little wacky. If there was a way, I would take in the babies. They deserve someone who loves them and knows they are precious. If things are even close to how Bill says they are, I hope they can be taken away from him and Deirdre. There's gotta be some kind of help. I've been on Alanon websites, are sending them to my kids and seeing what kind of meetings are nearby. Never thought we would be back in the middle of all of this. And yes, I know how selfish that sounds. It is what it is. Laundry is calling!!!! August 04 4:46 am and sleep is pretty much impossible tonight. So many things swirling around in my head.... The last entry had to do with Bill's wife getting a tattoo, and how ludicrous I found spending a few hundred dollars on such when you have 4 kids, especially little ones to feed, have been evicted from a number of rentals, etc. For a few days I thought about it again, and thought I was being a bit harsh, and who am I to judge. Well, I figured that part out anyway. While I haven't always done or made sound financial decisions, the kids came first. Also, with the back child support being so high I still think it may not be the kindest thing to do to judge but by golly kids -hers, theirs or mine should be before something like that. Jamie surprised me by coming here after she got back from vacation to NC with my brother, his family his SO's son and granddaughters and my sister. Jamie has done really well managing her money and could afford the vacation. She has earned it and then some! Well, while we were hanging out yesterday, she came into my room to give me an update about her dad. What he told Jamie, and you really do have to consider the source is that he is living in a Salvation Army shelter just outside the Woodlands, TX. Last she had told me, he was living in the subsudized housing with his wife Deirdre and the 4 kids. When Bill called her most recently, he told Jamie that when he got there (the house?) Deirdre had a large black guy sleeping in her sofa. She wanted Bill out and had this guy there to make sure he left. According to Bill, her oldest son (16) is in jail for sexually assaulting his niece. (Deirdre's sister's daughter I dont know the age although that doesn't matter) Deirdre is on drugs, has been "sleeping around"... The kicker is, there is a daughter who turned one in July and a little boy who will be 3 in Nov. Her other son is about 8-10 or so. Jamie never said that Bill came right out and asked her to send money. He did say, he was thinking about just going and turning himself in to his PO as he won't be able to follow the terms of his probation. As Jamie herself has said Bill seems to be delusional. So, how much of all of this is true? Jamie called Bill's sister, Kathleen Anne. She has always been great as far as being in all of the kids' corners while trying to love her brother and deal with the mess he has consistently made. Kathleen Anne has been involved with Alanon, which I cam very glad to hear. It was a life saver for me when Bill was really bad and eventually went into rehab. KA told Jamie much the same things I told her. You love your dad, and no one wants to change that. But, you can't save him - he has to save himself. He had no business calling his 21 yr old daughter and laying all that on her. There are so many questions that come from all of this.... Why not avail yourself of services while in jail, the half way house and now in the shelter? There have been cuts to many programs, but there are still services if you want help. His family would help in a heartbeat if he showed some type of attempt to help himself. What about the wife and the kids? If she is indeed on drugs, don't those kids need to be out of that house and away from her? The babies are my kids half siblings.... even with all the crap that has happened, is there anything I can do to help them? How is Bill so much worse than when we were married? Where is his "bottom"? And so many more - How do I help my own kids through this? Surprisingly enough, Colleen was not as mad as she has been in the past about the latest scenario. She's usually pretty indignant about Bill and Deirdre's stupid doings. What's exceptionally sad, and I think unfortunately may be accurate is that both girls think that Bill will probably not survive more than about 5 years or so. From what I saw June 8th at the modification hearing, they may be right. He just didn't look well. This whole thing is just so sad, and so unnecessary. When we met and started dating, he was strong, handsome and bright. He was moving up the ranks very quickly in the Navy. If he had stayed in, he could have retired at the age of 42. He's just a shell of who he was. Most people that I know have tried to improve themselves as they've grown older. If there were mis-steps along the way they learned from them. I will be calling Kathleen Anne later tonight, checking Deirdre's myspace and checking out where Alanon meetings are in the area again. Really didn't think I would be going back there. There are some other things I have to do as well for my freelance work, my niece's wedding, the 5k on aug 24th and end of the summer stuff. Life is always full of the unexpected. Laughing baby videos and sitting in the park sound really good right now. That and hugging the stuffing outta my kids. August 01 rant, anyone? Shortly after our last hearing, I came to the realization that Bill could no longer hurt me. What I should have realized is that while he can no longer hurt me per se, he can and indeed will more than likely continue to astound and anger me. July 8th he was released from the federal half way house without any notification to me and made his way to some where in Texas where his current wife, Deirdre her 2 boys and their 2 babies live. They all live in government subsidized housing. Our tax dollars at work! God bless em and don't let the door hit you on the a** on your way out! Yesterday I was doing my snooping. (note to self, when one snoops, one should not be surprised when you find something sour) I looked on Deirdre's myspace page. These are the people who have been on welfare, collected food stamps, step sons receive social security disability and have been evicted from two houses that I know of... there in living color is a picture of the woman's back with a brand new tattoo. Ick... she's heavy. (and I'm being catty I know) Where in the world did money for THAT come from? Right out of her own kids' mouths pretty much. Glad they have their priorities straight. Geez. Three out of my four kids have their myspace page addresses. (but not Daddy's new home address or phone number) What in the sam heck are they thinking? Oh, yeah - thinking -what a concept! Are ya kidding me?!!!! Either going to go vomit or clean the house. |
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