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June 28 TGIFriendsYesterday, I was lucky enough to have time to go see my buddy, Robin. She and I met in college, and something just clicked with us. We used to chat on the train to/from the city, and it did not take long to figure out that we understood each other. We did silly, 18-19 year old girl things like check out the guys who also rode the train or follow one all around the building cuz one of us thought he was cute. Robin went away to Rochester to finish her schooling and I fell in love, got married and had the babies right in a row. She and I still made time to see each other when we were visiting our parents. We have gotten each other through births, deaths, good/bad relationships and this whole aging thing. Thank goodness she has been in my life. She is an excellent "listener" (okay watcher since she is deaf) and sounding board, and is willing to be blunt with me when I need it. We got to spend about 3.5 hours yesterday catching up on everything and I even saw my godson for about 1/2 a minute. At 12, he is taller than me and oh so cute. He is a good boy, despite making his mom a little crazy sometimes. When I pulled up he was waiting for one of his friends out by the street, but he came over to the car to say hello when I pulled into the driveway. I'm proud of what a great young man nhe is becoming.
One thing I found interesting, and it has been something I have been noticing the last few years. I probably heard about it on a show like Oprah or Dr. Phil or the like, but there is a standard I now call "the girlfriend standard/rule", When you're seeing a guy, does he treat you like you would want your best girlfriend (pal) to be treated? If not, are there things he does/has done that you would counsel your bestfriend to drop him for? When I've seen my buddies going through really rough times, I ask them if THEY are being treated the way they would want their buddies to be treated. Well... I guess I should be living the same way if I'm going to be preaching it. It hit me yesterday that in some ways I have not been. Neither is Robin. There are some things that have happened in her marriage that I have a hard time accepting. Yep, in the long run it's not my discision in any way. Nor is it my place to judge. I just hate to see her going thru such absolute crap. She deserves better. When she and I were discussing Jerry yesterday, It was clear that she wants him to improve on his communication skills or I should give him the boot. I don't know how long I will accept unacceptble behavoir and I guess I am disappointed that I have again. It's not on the same level as with Bill at all, but I am still not pleased with myself. For now, I am trying to take it easy and see what happens.
Wonder of wonders, we sort of figured out some of my hang ups. With Bill, there was some of the typical controlling behavoirs that are pretty much emotional abuse that goes along with being an addict. I have known this pretty clearly since about 6 months after Bill and I split. Amazing how your vision can clear. There were some incidents of other abuse that I had stuffed away into the far reaches of the back of my mind. I knew that it had happened but I did not have a completely clear memory of it. (or maybe I did and I did not let myself realy think about it) One of the icidents came back like gangbusters when I started thinking about Jerry and I becoming intimate. I could remember the room, the sights, the sounds, the feelings - everything and felt like I did that night. Helpless and like I could not get enough air. When confronted the next day, Bill said he did not remember it. So, I chalked it up as being a fluke and continued to be a "good wife". Friday night, I tried to explain some of this to Jerry. I don't want there to be a time where I get scared or acted strange and could not tell him he needs to back off. That was my reason for discussing it with him. I honestly cannot say that I can even imagine not feeling safe when I'm with Jerry, but he needed to know if I ever asked him to back off or whatever, he would - no questions asked. When I was talking to Jerry about it, I had a hard time explaining what happened and I think he had a harder time understanding why in the world Bill would have done anything like that. When Robin and I were chatting yesterday, we talked about this subject. I told her about a few other times something like this had happened with Bill and I realized two things. One - it did kind of freak me out that Jerry can just pick me up and move me like I am not even a 5 lb. bag of flour. He is not as tall as Bill, but he is much stronger. I didn't figure out untill yesterday that had had an impact on me. Two - There had been other times where Bill and I had had relations where I felt I didn't have a choice - we were going ahead. Uh... yeah, that's sexual abuse as well. Hello, McFly!!!!!!! Yeah, I'm a little messed up. At this point, I know I should be running back to a therapist. What's holding me back is all of the people we had intake interviews with my girls who were let's say less than helpful. The idea of going to someone other than the guy I used to see makes me hesitate. Human beings are amazing creatures.
Another day in the 90s today with heat indexes of near 100. It is supposed to cool off tonight though - yay!!!!!
Colleen is taking her placement tests at her college this morning. Funny.... she has become little miss independent. Last night I asked her if she wanted a ride to the train this morning and she declined. Didn't want money either. Pretty freaky. Eddie's put in an application to Starbucks - finally. My baby birdies are flapping their not so little wings. Do I say "oh no!" or "halleluieah!!!". Maybe both. June 26 Summer's here  Southeast Pennsylvania is beautiful in many ways. I love having seasons. Spring and Fall are my favorite, even though that's the worst time for allergies. I guess what I like most is the trees and hills. When we all lived in Queens and would come down to visit, the kids were all pretty little. Still, Jamie always knew when we hit PA. She swears that the trees sounded different as we drove or rode and it was so much more greeen than the neighborhood we lived in. Alas, the summers here can be pretty undependable. You can depend on there being days of 90+ temps and humidity. We have also had days where getting the kids to go into the pool for morning swim practice was pretty difficult as it was so cool out. Today and tomorrow we are expecting 90s and humidity. Ugh. Wish I had an outdoor pool to go to. :-( Our community pool raised the memebership fee $125 and that puts it out of my price range. So... I will be taking it easy and drinking lots of ice water.
Got to see Jerry Friday night. It was good. We needed to see each other in person. I don't want to pressure him, but I think it is a mistake to not see each other for long periods of time. We were both kind of awkward at first, but after we started talking for a bit, things were much smoother. It felt right to be together again. I don't think I understood how stressed he is with his son being sick and the mom being on his case. It is concerning me that he has gained more weight in just the past 2 months. I could care less how he looks (and he looks fine to me) but am more concerned about his health. Had wanted to drag him out walking tonight, but I think it will have to wait til Thursday night. (the air quality is really bad today to add to the hgih temps) We talked about some of my concerns, and some things he had been thinking about and I think that helped both of us.
Guess I am on a health kick. Last night Jamie and I got to Pilates again. I have not been in a while. I had stopped about last Nov or so when I got a really bad rash and could not figure out where I got it. Then, tried to start back again about March by myself and did nothave much success. It's had to start all over again. I ketp becoming frustrated with myself, since I cannot do things I could do at the end of the summer last year. GUess I need to be more patient with myself.
Better go.. laundry is calling. June 22 MRIWell, I finally had my MRI done. There was some confusion last week - apparently the appointment was made in a facility about an extra 20 mins to a half hour away rather then the hospital. It all worked out just fine. The 2 young ladies who did the MRI were very nice and the whole experience was not nearly as awful as I had imagined.
I am an "anxious" patient. While I know there are patients much worse than I am either in their behavior or level of anxiety, I always make things tougher than they actually have to be. Most people I know who are fellow "anxious" patients had some kind of bad experience when they were kids. Mine started when I was about 6 months old and my mother found a growth on my left thigh. Untill I was 20 and finally had it removed, we would see doctors about it. None of them ever really knew what it was or what caused it. So, they did all kids of tests on it.. mostly biopsies or "treatments". The treatments were anything from injecting vaious chemicals into the growth to watch and see. The needles somtimes bent or broke and at one biopsy, my mom ended up having to hold tissue for the doc while he cut. His hands were shaking too badly... uh - get us out of here!!!! According to my mom, she felt she had to hold it for him so he could finish & we could get out of there. We attended at least 4 dermatology conferences. You just haven't lived untill you get to be an exhibit at one of these. You answer the same damn questions for hours on end and at least 30 docs have to feel the dang thing. If you are lucky, your doc has written up a history and has copies when the docs come in and he has arranged a nice room for you. If not, then you end up repeating your history umpteen times and you sit in a closet of a room. There was even one who published my story in a medical journal without getting my mother's permission. So.... it's not all that surprising that I become nervous in any medical situation. I can make myself get through things, but I do not go out of my way to see a doctor.
Yesterday was one of the more pleasant experinces. The MRI is a step toward being referred to an interventional radiologist to have a uterine artery embolization, a treatment for fibroids. (I still have to get another refferal from my primary care physician) Aside from having to be stilll for 45 minutes to an hour, it wasn't that bad. You pick the genre of music or artist you want to listen to. (to paritally drown out the noises the MRI makes) The oly glitch was one of the techs thought she saw a medical clip inside me. It was toward the beginning of the proceedure and kinda threw me for a loop. They can talk to you through the head phones and she asked if I had any abdominal surgeries. Nope. She kept asking if I was sure, and the only thing that was close was the 4 deliveries of my kiddos. With the last I had hemoragged (sp?) and had to be treated in the recovery room. That was SIXTEEN years ago. All I could think was "That dirty, rotten Dr. So and So at a certain hospital in Queens!!!!!" While I lay there wondering what the heck was going on, she had one of the head radiologists come in and look at the images. It was something called an "intestinal artifact". Okay so what in the world is that??? Fecal matter? Something foreign in my intestines??? What the hey. As far as I have been able ti find out on the oh so helpful internet it is a spot made by movement or air on an MRI. I still would like to find out. Gettin the injection for the contrast wasn't my favorite part of the whole thing, but I knew that meant there was only about 15 minutes left, and the tech was able to find a vein without too much trouble. The worst part was the purply-red marks left where the tape was.
So now I wait for the results to be sent to the Gyn I saw, who I guess will send them to my Primary care physician and then I can get my refferal. Seesh. Let's see how many more hoops I have to jump through now. I am really happy with the hospital where my primary is capitated to. You really do not know how it SHOULD be untill you go to a better hsopital. My waiting time is far less now and it just seems that the personnel are nicer and more effecient. Thank goodness. I don't know if you could pay me to go back to our old hospital. I'm sure the people who work there are doing their best and are good people, but there is such a big difference. June 18 cautiously looking forwardJust when you think you have everything finally figured out... you don't. (Well I don't anyway!) Last night, the dam broke so to speak. Being the ever so clever and wise woman that I am, I did a search before making diner. The internet is a wonderful thing... but you have to be careful what you search for - you just might find it. Just like being careful what you wish for and the possibility that you might get it, searching the net can be dangerous for us mere mortals. (reminds me of looking up my mom's cancer info and finding out she had only a 3-5 month prognosis... she made it to 9 months and got the things done that she wanted to)
I found some damning profiles featuring my guy. What I did not know at the time was that sometimes when you post on one site, others pick it up and post it as well. Some of the sites picking up a profile were not something you would want your SO to see. Being calm and non judgemental as I always am, I sent off a scathing email to Jerry. I sent it after 9pm, as he is usuallly off to sleep by then. (He starts work no later than 7am) He was awake. He sent back an email just as angry and befuddled. To make a long, complicated story short, we went through a number of emails, texts and what-da-ya-know real live phone calls last night and early this morning. The core of it is that we were/are both scared to death and had been doing some really stupid things to sabotage things. Add to that some major stuff in both of our lives - work, his son having kidney problems, me in my usual soup of issues and you have the makings of at best a huge todo, at worst an ugly break up.
The talk this morning solidified that we both want to stick with it and try to make it work.
Colleen is safely in Ocean City, NJ for a bit of senior week vacation. She is with some good kids and has consistently proven she has a good head on her shoulders.
After some serious lack of sleep last night, I am taking it easy today. June 17 DadsHappy Fathers' Day
to all you great Dads!!!!!!!
(and moms or other who have to be dad as well!) June 16 sunThis whole week it seems we have only had brief glimpses of sunshine. The sun is finally out in all its glory today. Thank goodness.
What a week it has been! Last day at work was kind of bitter-sweet. We all realize this is probably the last year we will all be together. So, we were enjoying being together, but in the back of our minds this was probably "it". I have worked in different programs from Va Beach to Queens, NY and none of the programs are quite like the one I work in now. The teacher of the deaf raises the bar for each and every kid, regardless of their backgrounds or abilities. With her staff, she allows us to take care of whatever we need to, while encouraging each of us to be our best. I've worked in places where they barely tolerated you... I would go into the classroom only to pick up my books and materials or to grab my coat at the end of the day... other programs where the kids were allowed to get away with things - "because they were deaf and immature emotionally" -uh, yeah and will stay that way with that attitude.
My supervisor called and left a message sometime after 4:30 pm Thursday. (Colleen's graduation night) I happened to listen to messages when we got home. (sometimes I forget) She asked that I call back and said it was important. Me being the ever so rational person I am started to fret and think about every negative possibility there could be. With the current state of the IU restructuring, I ASSUMED I was bring laid off. Last night I looked at the clock early Friday morning it was 3:15 am. I really am a little out of control with the worrying and worst case scenario thing playing in my head. Sometimes, I can talk myself out of it and realize what is going on. The middle of the night is not usually one of those times. So.. I finally called her back the next morning. She just needed to tell me my placement for next year. Same school!!!! Woohoo!!! Means I have a bit more time for more fact finding for my next job and I can take a few more classes for re-embursement and get as much medical stuff taken care of as possible.
Colleen's graduation was fun. It had been scheduled for the 13th (Weds). Superintendant postponed until Thursday as there were severe thunder storms forecast for our area and one of the neighboring counties had a tornado watch. The kids were all bummed, and alot of families had people coming in that could only be there for Weds. night. Weds was the coolest graduation night I can remember. I was freezing by the end of the night. At Jamie's graduation 2 years ago, we had left at 5:10 and she barely made her check in time of 6:30. (we only live about 3-4 miles from the school) Colleen's class had about 200 more students so we left earlier. I had us leave at 4:30. We were parking behind the school, so we pretty much drove past the school and parking lot. When we did, it was completely empty. We went over to a shopping center. Colleen and Eddie got pizza and my friend Robin got an ice cream at DQ. After we did that we parked behind the school. They didn't open the stadium gates on our side untill 5:30, so we waited about 15 more minutes. I felt silly that we were all there so early. Colleen wasn't due to check in untill 6. She went off, and Robin, Eddie and I went to stake out primo seats. Robin and I sat in the "handicapped" section so she could see the interpreters and poor Eddie had to go off and sit by himself in the bleachers. He's a big boy and would be fine, but it felt weird. Robin and I had a chance to chat before the commencement started.
She did not fill me in on events in her life... mostly just picked my brain to see what was going with Jerry. Generally... I sent my last email to him this week. It was good to talk things over with Robin. She is my buddy and will be brutally honest to protect me. Her take on the situation is that there is some kind of disconnect w/Jerry and communication & relationships. The completely shutting down thing when the going gets tough is hard to take. While I did some things that did not help, there really could have been some help from his end that may have helped me to not jump to conlusions or fall into the clingy weak woman thing. (and I DO see my part in it) I have been honest and as nice as I could with him, but now the ball is in his court and he has to make the next move. I know there very well not be a next move and I think I can accept that. Ah well.
Over a 1000 seniors walking into a stadium is a pretty amazing sight to see. It's very cool, but that many kids makes it hard to find your own cherub. Robin and I finally worked out a system where I looked on one side and she the other. Colleen helped out by signing ILY to us, and Robin's eagle eyes caught that. We waved and took bunches of pictures. The speeches were very good. It took 5 students about 40 minutes to read off 1074 names. The interpreters did a wonderful job. One was a young lady I had helped mentor during her internship about 4 years ago. The did a nice job, but kept it low key and I think they enjoyed seeing Robin and me just be a proud mom and godmother. The names were read in aplphabetical order in regular homerooms, then by teacher last name abc order and kids' last names in abc order by last name for "special" homerooms like student government, newspaper and such then the kids who read the names were announced. We were able to see Colleen go up to the podium by finding her homeroom teacher. Couldn't actually see her receive it. (there were about 6-9 podiums set up and the kids go through very effeciently)
When it was finally over, we all met near the chorus risers. (if you have not had a child graduating from a class of 200 or more, I will give you this invaluable FYI: make sure you all have a set meeting place agreed upon and communicated before the ceremony- even with cell phones it can be hard to find each other!!) Alot of the kids Colleen graduated with had to run to each other and hug the stuffing out of each other. That was nice to see. We took some pictures with Collleen and various friends, then each of the family with her and then the group. Colleen was able to find her assistant principal and we got him in a shot. It was fun. After, Robin drove us to my sister's car and we all hit Friendly's. I had expected my kids all to get a dinner type thing but they all just munched on some shared appetizers and a huge brownie sundae thing. Mostly, we just goofed around and enjoyed each other's company. About the onyl thing that would have made it perfect would have been if Liam had been there. After Friendly's, Colleen went out to a buddy's house about 5 minutes away. She stayed pretty late as she was complaining about having to be at work the next day at 8:30 or so. I'm glad she ended up enjoying her day... when it had been postponed she was pretty annoyed.
I am finally at point where I am accepting the thing with me and Jerry. I still wouldn't mind it working out, but I don't feeling as kookie about it as I did before. For Colleen's graduation, I was able to get myself to move enough to decorate for her. (I always do something silly and sentimental for my kids from painting all over Liam's car windows when he graduated to making a bunch of morter board thingys and hanging them all over the front yard for Col) The whole night, I kept reminding myself to take it all in and enjoy. I did and I am so glad.
I had wanted to call Jerry Weds night. There's a man about 2 doors down and across the street who looks like he is at least 45. May be into his 50s - I stink with ages. He sometimes drives around a golf cart at odd hours, collects and repairs just about anything from small lawn equiptment to washers and dryers and puts them out on his front yard to sell. His mom lives there too. I had always wondered if he was "alright"... just acts a little odd. At about 7:10 Weds night we hear some banging, then this man yelling at the top of his lungs. Curses, "Oh my God!", "somebody help me!"..... more bangs.... more yelling. The girls and I go out the front door. At least 10 other neighbors are out on the street. Who ends up calling 911? My 18 year old daughter. My neighbor across the street from me - the borough council woman who owns her own business and thinks her kids are little angels - asks about 3 minutes later if anyone thinks she should call 911. The cops finally come after what felt like a long time. The officer talked to the man for less that 2 minutes. Another car rolled up and didn't even stop. The offiicer who was talking to the man just raving incoherently sepnds less than 2 minutes talking to the man, talks to NONE of the neighbors and LEAVES. uhhhh. A minute or two later, the guy is yelling again. My daughter called 911 originally. When my son walked around the neighborhood with an already broken street sign, the officers were here for 20 minutes talking to him and me and there were 2 cars here. Someone acts like he is going to hurt himself or his mom and that warrants less than 2 minutes????? Holy Moley. The girls and I didn't feel all that safe that night, and I had wished we could go to Jerry's or have him come here. Ugh. The girls and I went down to the police station, where there were 3 police cars sitting in the parking lot to let them know we were still concerned. You can only actually go into the station during business hours. I need to go back on Monday I guess. It really doesn't seem like they have ANY clue how to deal with mentally ill people. I understand that they are limited in what they can do if someone does not want to go to treatment voluntarily, but they really need some kind of training.
That was the week. Very eventful, and mostly very positive. June 14 meWell... am looking forward to Colleen's graduation tonight. Everything is a little diffferent than we expected, but it should still be enjoyable. Am concentrating on being "in the moment". Col's still not thrilled - her bbig brither cannot come adn my sister and other daughter have to be late as thei work schedules conflict with the ttimes tonight.
I've sent my last email or message to Jerry. He wants to be with me or he doesn't. Sucks for him if he doesn't, but I just can't do this. I will be working on me for a while, something I should have realized at least a month ago. It was fun and we both learned things from each other. It's tough when two such wounded souls get together. I am realizing though that I deserve far better than what was happening. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. (although I'd rather just be by myself for a while)
Tammy - thanks for the comment. A little brutal, but hey everyone needs a little kick in the pants from time to time. Funny... I was at the same conclusion after thinking most of the night last night. Maybe great minds think alike? Thanks again and take care.
Graduation tonight!!!!!!!!!!!! June 13 graduation?
Poor Colleen... yesterday at reflections practice, they did not have a cap and gown for her. That stinks. One of the guidance people gave her a gown from last year that was not used. Had some girl's name crossed off of it. Unfortunately, the school is using a different company for the gowns and that co is not so great. Col was a fit and a half yesterday. Today she went for practice... the field is all soggy. We were all to leave the house at 4:30 today. Graduation was to start at 7:00. (2 years ago when we left at 5-5:10 for Jamie's grad we almost didn't get her there in time for her check in and Col's class has about 250 more kids - over 1300) All this week, we have ahd scattered thunderstorms forecast and actually appear. Today was the same. Yesterday a young boy in SE NJ was hit by lightning. Today there were tornado warnings 2 counties over. The district decided to postpone the ceremony until tomrorow - which was a smart, safe move. BUT the decision was not announced untill 4pm. Argh. All of the seniors are dissappointed and at a loss for what to do tonight. Poor babies. Last niht was their reflections program. When I went to school there it was a prayer night kind of thing. The prayers were taken out, which I am completely okay with. The kids put together a program honoring and celebrating their upcoming graduation, their accomplishments and their journeys along with thanking their friends, families and faculty. Colleen was part of a group that sand Bridge over Troubled Water. It was excellent and of course I cried. I am so proud of her. I think tomorrow will be much nicer weather wise. It poured during Liam's graduation. It wasn't amful, but I thought it would just be more fun w/o that. Unfortunately, Liam has training for a new job and will not be able to come on the alternate day. You can tell he feels bad. He and Colleen get along really well. (regardless, he would be there if he could) Have sent Jerry plenty of emails and messages telling him I want to to get together & talk. No response. He was pretty mad on Saturday when we briefly talked. I get that I messed up. I checked the stupid profile that set me off one more time to see if I was totally crazy. No. He had last updated it April15, 2007. So either he was/is looking or just left old info up. What gets me though is that I ahve always tried to understand when he messes up or has problems. I am hoping that he will respond in some way to an email I sent earlier today. We shall see. If not, I don't know. I'm not is a rush either way. I would like to know though if he is leaning toward us trying to make this work or not. So... more of the same and some very new chapters beginning. Wow. June 12 Limbo mon!Limbo can be a fun game to play at a gathering... or a place between heaven and hell... but it isnot place to be in a relationship. Since Saturday, Ihave emailed or left a message for Jerry on his cell phone. I don't know. I understoof from the brief and starined conversation we had that he was mad. I tried to talk to him. At the time I didn't know the profile was from before we had started dating. It also had not yet occured to me that he would be mad I was googling him or that I said he pretended to be respectful doring our time together.
I tried to explain the feelings I was experiencing when I made certain comments. I am really trying to figure out how he would have dealt with me not calling him for 5-6 weeks. I do not want his son to be in the hospital or for his work to be crazy. I am aware he goes into hermit mode when working something out. Yet, I could not leave it alone. I had to push and psuh untill it came to a head. I am dissapppointed in myself most of all. Still having a teeny bit of self respect, I do ask myself - hey... how come I am supposed to accept his long silences but he will not accept if I get angry or frustrated? Doesn't forgiveness work for both people? I would like to work this out, but cannot do it by myself.
There is so much happening. I have been majorly stressed out the past month and a half. I explained that to him.. I dunno.
Tried to go get my MRI today. It was scheduled for the palce further away. I do not remember doing that, and do not think I would have. I was all kind of rushed trying to pick up the physician's order and get there in time. You need a referral, (which is done electronically), your medical insurance card, the numbers showing precertification from the insurance, a letter verifying the pre-cert and the phyisician's order. Argh!!!! I did not know about the physicialn's order untill yesterday and when I called this morning they informed me my doctor was not in today. So, basicly I begged and pleaded and they were able to get one written for me. (after they finally found my chart!) I get to the hospital after driving thru the ouring rain and walk to 3 different lobbies before I FINALLY find the right place. Then they tell me my appointment is for the other location a half hour away. Argh!!!!! Two hours of my life gone!!!! The traffic was nuts... the rain was a pain and my car kept threatening to over-heat.
But I am home now and have a new appointment for June 21. Colleen's refelctions night is tongiht and she is singing. After a major snafu where they did not have a cap and gown for her today, I think she is looking forward to it. I know I am. I will be bale to see her sing and watch a bit of the program before I have to go pick up Jamie at work. I am going to soak it all in just be proud of my little girl.
We had Liam's birthday dinner last night. Simple - bbq chicken, corn muffins, mixed veggies and a scrumptious chocolate cake. I took him out after. At 22 (yes one of my babies is 22!!!) he did not want that much. New sandals. He found those, black socks and a Phillies tee shirt at Modells. Not too complitcated that boy. I missed him and it was good to see him. Last night I realized I was his age when I had him. I cannot imagine Liam becoming a dad right now. I wonder what my mom felt. Maybe the same way... and I was the youngest. I was so young and clueless. Oh well... Liam shows no leanings toward getting engaged, married and becoming a daddy. I do like his girlfriend, Michelle. She's nice and is going to school.
Think I'm going to go relax before the next event. Have a lovely day. June 09 knowing & misconstruingReality bites. Atfer 5 long weeks of hearing nothing from the man I really thought I had something going with I know for sure. Yep, am silly enough to have actually thought there was still hope. This morning I did a little sluething... found Jerry's myspace site. (more and more I am thinking myspace is nothing but evil!) Lo and behold, his last log on was June 8th - yesterday.... he lists himself as single and then describes what he is looking for in a woman. Anvil hits Janice square on the top of her head!!!!!!! Okay, so at this point not really an anvil anymore. Maybe a large, heavy Nerf ball. It still sucks. I really thought we were doing better. Truth is, I think he got scared to death and had to end it before I hurt him. (I'll get you before you get me!) How sad.
I called his cell phone... of course he didn't answer... left a message saying that I really had not expected him to answer... that I had been honest with him and had tried my best... maybe in his profile he should say that he is going to treat you like a queen, convince you he wants a long term relationship and then just disappear. Geez. I actually got a response. He texted me back with "ok". Ok???? WTF. I emailed him one last message that basicly said - wow I actually got a response after 5 weeks and it's "ok". Byeeeeee.
Time to focus on Colleen's graduation, getting myself and my house together and whatever else I can think of. Cheese and crackers!!!
Above was written in the morning... it is now about 7:30pm.
Well, I have messed up big time. Some of the things I assumed were just plain wrong. The profile was posted before we started dating. I have profiles that state that I am "single" as in not seeing anyone as well. It takes 2 in any relationship and Jerry has done a dopey thing here and there too. However, not like I have done... which was lose faith in him and send emails and messages that sounded like I wante to break up. I was frustrated and making a feeble attempt at communication and my version of not accepting unacceptable behavoir. I am an idiot and have no idea if he will forgive me. Much of what happened was a result of a bunch of stressors I didn't identifiy untill after the crap hit the fan. I am a screw up and screwed up I guess. This stnks so bad. June 06 90%
For whatever reason, I thought that I would get better at this relationship thing. Silly, silly me. I am about 90% sure that Jerry and I are done. Unless he pulls out some last minute Hail Mary that completely turns this around. I have done everything I can to find out what the heck is going on. (aside from emailing one of his biker friends) He won't say/email/text a thing. We go from closer than ever and affirming how much we love each other, the following week calling/emailing/texting back and forth and he even filled out a silly email questinaire forward that I never thought he would & dropping it at my house and finally calling me the morning he was going to a Penn State alumni thing to NOTHING. Apparently this fading into complete incognito is supposed to be an acceptable way to break up? 4 weeks no contact and 5 no seeing each other is enough even for someone as clueless as me. Mad at him? Yeah. Mad at myself for believing in all this drivel?- definitely!!! How can I be nearly 45 and so friggin gullable???? When I am having my nicer moments, I can realize that hey we gave it a try and it didn't work. I was doing pretty good today then started noticing I was doing okay.... it all went downhill from there. I am feeling pathetic. I also don't really get why in the heck I cannot have a decent life for longer than a few months at a time. I know, it's all part of the process. I guess I have to be mad and sad for a bit to be able to move on. I'm kinda tired of moving on. He really seemed like such a good guy and he really really seemed to love and value me. Guess I am in need of some good ole exercise, chocolate (well I have already indulged and know I am in danger of falling into old - eat away my feelings habits), retail therapy (nope, not enough moolah for that!), some pampering and self affirmations for a while. Time to lick my wounds and live to love another day. June 05 Woot woot, Colleen!
Did I ever mention I am an exceedingly proud mom? If I didn't, you probably did deduce this yourselves. Last night was Colleen's school's senior awards night. She is in a class of approx. 1300. The school honored 252 students receiving 412 awards. While Colleen "only" got one award and the monetary amount was not that great, I was just bursting. She is a great young lady. Her award was for dedication to the newspaper. It may sound like sour grapes, but I don't get how a kid takes 6 major classes a year, participates in 3 choral groups, is in a state youth involvement in the Deomcratic porcess group, is one of the inaugural fellows in the Peter Jennings' Journalism Project and sits on the superientendant's student advisory board and gets one award. If I had any say, she would have been showered with them. Sour grapes done... she was happy with her award and her journalism teacher being there to give her a hugh when she caem off stage. Further, Col showed me her beautiful heart as we went to the reception (aka cookies and bug juice!) where she talked to many of the other kids who won awards and was clearly thrilled for each and every one. We had a very good time talking to other kids and their parents and convicing someone to take a picture of Colleen and me. Her stellar goodness floors me all the time. I am home today playing hookie. Well, I am using up one of my 52 accumulated sick days. I had always used them sparingly - you never know when you might be really sick and have to miss weeks at a time and I didn't want to have the reduction in pay when disability starts, and you were supposed to be re-embursed for unused sick days up to a certain number upon retirement. Well, lo and behold when we get laid off we will lose them. Thanks, IU. They are being as tight as possible and it sucks. Heaven forbid you take care of the people who work for you.. it might just help them concentrate on their jobs and do their best for the students. Yeah, I'm a little bitter. Also, I never took that many sick days since we have very few subs and the kids often have no interpreter when we're out. Doesn't seem all that fair to the kiddos. Nothing from Jerry. I am reconciling myself to the idea that we are done. It was an adventure and I wish it wasn't over, but apparently I have no say in the matter. I miss the lug and I love him. It would be nice to know what the heck happened, but it doesn't look like I will ever know. I hope he has a good life. Going to be a bum today and maybe make a K Mart run.
June 03 end of the yearThe school year is winding down, which is always bitter-sweet for me. Of course this year is a double whammy as Colleen graduates as well. When she leaves in August, Eddie and I will be the only ones here. That's going to be strange but not that much of a change as he is often out and about. We'll be fine. I am exceedingly proud of Colleen. She has pushed herself all during high school. She is also a very good person. Work wise it is a difficult time. More than likely, one of the interpreters I work with will be laid off. (the Princess) I will be right after her should we lose any more students than what we know about right now. I am much better about that possibility now. It will be a new chapter for me. I think I can handle it. Still, I will miss all of the people I work with and am dissappointed that I won't see the students graduate that I wanted to. Pretty selfish.
On another bright and cheery note, Jerry and I may very well be done. It has been 5 weeks since we saw each other and 4 weeks since he has contacted me at all. I have called both phones, emailed and texted him on and off to let him know I was thinking about him, but I have heard nothing from him. While I know he goes through these periods of silence when he is working things out in his head or he is sick or something, this has been the longest time and I am tired of feeling unsure and crappy about things. So last night I called his home phone and left a message. I told him that I love him and do not want to break up, but am really at a loss with how long it has been. He and I are good people who deserve to be loved and I have enjoyed the last year and being with him. If he does not want to break up, he should call me. If not, I will assume he is done. If I do not hear from him - I love him, good luck and take care. Then I cried for about an hour.
Of course now, i figure I was stupid as all get out to have done that. Would it have been better for me to just leave things as they were and not know anything? No. I don't think I am being unreasonable. BUT I hope like crazy he calls soon. I guess I am weak and pathetic. The next week and a half will be busy with the graduations and end of the year activities at both schools, so that's good. Hopefully I won't obsess too much or have too much time to feel sorry for myself if he never calls.
I go to get my MRI for the fibroid on June 12. This is becoming real. After that I will need a referral from my primary care dr and then hopefully I can have the proceedure done by the beginning of July? I'm loooking forward to seeing if I have more energy after I recover. That would be so wonderful.
Well, have to get going. |
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