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ReadingI caught up on my daughter's writing blog today. She's still flipping brilliant, although she sees herself as a failure. She had to stop going to school because of a loan and financial aid mistake. Part of it was me not sending something in on time. She's working 2 jobs so she can go to cosmetology school so she can make more money (and becasause she enjoys it which I am fine with), decide exactly what she really wants to major in and go back. There's huge guilt for me with that... if I had gotten the forms in on time... if... if ...if
I can take disappointing myself. Or maybe I can't and it explains the things I do not get done. Dissapointing my kids breaks my heart. I'm their biggest cheerleader and if/when push comes to shove they know I would protect them no matter what it takes. At the same time though, I have not shown them how to live. To deal with the everyday stuff that comes at you with resiliance. I've been beaten down enough to where there are some things I've let go or maybe couldn't ever handle. I suck at being an adult.
I read what my daughter writes cause I love seeing her shine. She shines when she writes. She is also bruteally honest. Hence the pity party. I am her protecter and destroyer. I love the protecter part of me and hate the destroyer part. The one that has shown my kids how to not get back up when you're knocked down. Damn that pi**es me off. Resiliance is one of the most important characteristics you need to teach your kids and you need to do it by example.
I need to do better. .... to quote a silly drinking song... "I get knocked down, but I get up again....." Need to do more getting up and trying harder.
Done feeling sorry for myself. May 22 reality...As our seniors and the co-workers who will retire excitedly count down the days until the end of the school year, reality is hitting me right between the eyes. I am not the only person who has ever faced being laid off, but this is scaring the hooey out of me. I have a tentative plan in place, but change can be frightening. The fear of this unknown - not having a salaried position with benefits is coming. It feels like it's coming fast!
I really want to enjoy this time with the students and with my beloved co-workers. I need to keep their joy in mind and not let my anxiety put a damper on the end of the year festivities. I really do not want to waste any of this time together on being sad. It is the end of an era though. Our program has been one of the best on the east coast.... recruiters from several colleges have raved about the students who graduate from here. Moreover, this has been the most supportive group I have ever worked with. They will be a hard act to follow.
 May 18 Mother's Day onMother's Day was quite nice. Colleen and Liam took me out to brunch. We went to the restaurant where both of the girls work and Jamie was working. She had just started training as a server so she was pretty overwhelmed. She did alright. The food was excellent as always. It was nice to hang out with Liam and Colleen. Then, Col had to go work at Starbucks. Bummer. Liam and I hung out for a while longer. Eddie was AWOL til about 3:30. Good thing I love the bugger or he would be toast. His girlfriend's bday was the day before so he HAD to be there. Then "didn't" have a ride. (even though both of my girls offered to pick him up) I don't know... I get that the girlfriend has something none of us can offer, but she has him on an extremely short leash. I should have put my foot down when they first started dating. Her parents like Eddie, so they pretty much allow them to do what they want. Yes, read into that exactly what you are thinking. Over nights for my 16 year old daughter? NO problem. WHAT! Never. And yes, I have told my son it is not acceptable. I am "always on his back" about something. Yeah... go to school, PASS everything and have a bit of a PT job. Good golly I am demanding. At gf's house.... pretty sure she did not pay for summer school when she had to go last year.
... anyway - not supposed to be a gf rant. (and yes, Eddie needs to be responsible for HIS decisions) When he did get home, he finished mowing the lawn, cut down some HUGE weeds in the the back and he and I got something to eat. He had offered to cook but I knew what was not in the kitchen. All in all it was a very nice day.
When I was upset about Eddie not being home, Liam came in my room. I explained I was upset about Ed and some of the other things coming up that were getting to me. We had an appointment for yet another child support hearing the next day. Bill wanted a downward modification. Liam just stands there for a minute, then says... "When I was little, I used to think we needed Dad and I missed him. I was mad he wasn't around. But ya know what? I didn't need him. You and Gram took care us and made sure we had what we needed. You raised us right. All without his help. You don't have to fight for the child support anymore if you don't want to. We're old enough and really never needed him. You and Gram were enough." I wish my Mom had been able to hear him say that. She always believed in the kids, but did not quite live long enough to see how great they turned out. Well, part of me thinks she can. Anyway... I can keep that in my heart and bring it to the forefront of my memory any time I need it.
The hearing? Same ole same ole. I took the whole day as a personal day. Since the hearing wasn't until 2:15, the girls and I hung out together. We went out to a dairy farm we used to take them to when they were little. We had fun looking at all the animals. (even though you cannot even remotely get near them any more) The girls picked out some plants.
The hearing was a bust. It was a phone conference since he is in Texas. Bill was not at the number he had provided, so we waited about 15 minutes for his boss to call and find him. Then Bill was not near a fax machine to send all of his documentation. Great. What he is saying though is that he can only work 24 hours a week at a "desk job" where he makes $6 something/hour because of the broken leg he got when he fell outside his work release job. (on frost... it was April!) He wants Eddie's CS reduced to $250/month. (including paying toward arrears) When asked how he affords his rent, he said his wife works. D took him back!!!!!!???? Oh my heavens.... she is far more stupid than I had ever imagined. I feel sorry for her in some ways.. although she is making a heck of a bed for herself. He has not applied for SSDB or Voc training. He gets medical care from the VA hopsital even though he chumped out on his Navy reserve duty. He is truly a sad waste of a human being who is sucking the marrow out of society. I really do not think he understands reality. Our conference is re-scheduled for June 17, a day after Eddie's CS stops. (the day he graduates from high school) I guess Bill's hoping we will take off some of what he owes - reduce the support retroactively. We shall see.... then he has a contempt hearing June 30th.
Hopefully Eddie will graduate. He finally handed in a paper he had to do to pass English to graduate, after MUCH drama. He can write a paper. May not be especially easy but he can. I don't get why he has to be sat on to do it. I swear, he's going to make me sweat this til the day he walks in to the stadium to Pomp and Circumstance with his classmates. (or not!)
Gotta go... need to pick up my perscription, then do laundry. May 09 figured out?Well, I just about had the job thing figured out for when the school years ends. Lo and behold, another curve ball comes my way. Last year I saw an opening at the school Eddie wants to go to. Many colleges have free or reduced dependent tuition as a benefit. Dang, I thought... the opening was a year too early! That's the way things go sometime... so I've been looking elsewhere.
My plan for right now is I will freelance and work for a video relay service. (basicly I sit in a cubicle with a webcam-like device and coolio secretary-ish headset and interpret calls between deaf and hearing folks) I really like working with kids, but every where around here would eother be too much of a pay cut or working in city schools. The video relay service is very decent money. It would be nice to work less and make more money. Even with paying for my own medical, I would still make out better financially.
Eddie got into the local community college and Penn Tech. (the technical branch of Penn State) He is leaning toward Penn Tech, especially since they are offering him a small scholarship for winning the state Skills USA competition. It's three hours away... which Mom will have a bit of a hard time handling, but he is fine with it and likes the more country-ish atmosphere. My brother Ron and sister in law Karen are about an hour away from him. I was happy for him that he got in.
I've signed up for careerbuilder, monster and a site specifically for sign language interpreters. Thursday morning I open an email from the interpreter site and find an opening in good ole PA. Yep.... PennTech. I checked out their website and if I am reading it correctly it would be FT and full benefits. I would have to move out there and take a small apartment... maybe have Liam move in and pay a litle rent so I can swing the mortgage and a second place. I have to sit down with numbers and see if it would be possible. Oh, yeah I would have to get the job first! There is a lot to think about. Got my resume emailed out them Thursday and my application and cover letter is all set to go out first thing Monday morning.
Sometimes a curve ball can be a good thing!
Happy Mother's Day
to all
Moms, Step Moms, Grandmoms,
like a Moms and Mr. Moms!!!
 May 03 Cars,roof & birthdayIt's raining and is suppposed to rain much of the week. We have a drip coming from a corner of my kitchen ceiling. There are no water pipes above the kitchen, so I have to assume my roof is leaking. Peachy. I definitely do not have enough money to replace the roof and my credit is awful. I guess the best I can do right now is see if I can find someone to fix that area. It was just enough to set me crying.
My car putzed out again Friday night. It had done the same thing last Friday. Had it towed to a place that gives you a reduced rate on a rental if you have it repaired there. A friend had come out before it was towed and said it was the starter. The repair place looked at it Monday and said the starter was fine. They would check the battery. (this was about 3:10 pm) They finally called on Tuesday morning and said the battery was bad. The battery is only 15 months old. They suggested replacing the battery. Not doing that...since they also talked about me having a "weird" key and one of the guys noticed the radio was playing when he got back in the car. Ok.... they charge the battery for me. Another friend tells me to take the car back and have the shop that put in the battery check it - if the battery is no good it should be pro-rated and it would be less to replace there. For some stupid reason I did not realize I had to do that right away. So, I am back in a rental now and need to jump my car so I can get it back to the shop. (the one that put the battery in) I also have to have them check the alternator, as if that is bad it will just drain the battery.
On a good note, Thursday night we took Eddie out for his birthday. We went to the restaurant where Colleen works. Oh my goodness. None of us knew what to order....I think because it was a bit more pricey than we are used to. (well, Colleen knows the prices) So, Col goes over to the chef and tells him waht we all like. First, our server brought out bread. It came with a tray with wells in it for olive oil w/ garlic, olive oil w/ basil and a carrot salad of some type to dip your bread in. Then, the chef brought out a tray of anti-pasta/o? It had warm pita wedge slices around the edge of the plate with humus, baba ganush (sp?), feta, olives, a salsa type relsih (that was not Latin/Spanish) and a few other things. After that, they brought out fried calamari. Finally, we got our entrees. Colleen had a seafood trio, I had salmon, rice and veggies, Eddie had a chicken dish and Kelsey had pasta and chicken. For dessert, the kids had tiramasu. What a nice dinner!
I went and picked up Jamie from school yesterday. She is done for the summer. They were supposed to go to Guadalajara for classes, but that has been changed to Spain. She was pretty upset about it. The airfare is double, and it does not fit into her concentration. (Latin American anthropolgy) Jamie started working at the restaurant yesterday. It's really nice to have her home. |
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