Well... it has been a heck of a week.  This morning, Eddie and I had an awful start - the guy he usually rides with stayde home sick and Eddie did not take advantage of the bus that goes right by our house or the ride his sister gets everyday!  So, I completely blew up and yelled at him from the moment he told me he didn't know how he was going to get to school until I dropped him.  My kids do not seem to get that when I am not there they do not just hold the classes until I get back.  It is not like repairing something that will just ait there until I get to work or a stack of papers.  (and I am not knocking people who work with either one!!) 

The temps here have been around 0 with wond chills in the negs.  I called to order oil to be delivered TODAY and so when do I run out of oil???? Last night!!!  It felt kind of cold when I went to bed, but I assumed it was because it was sooooooo cold outside.  Nope!  Every time I think I have this figured out I screw it up.  And it does something to me emotionally.  I can no longer tolerate being cold as well as when I was younger, plus I feel like a totally incompetent mother.  Please - wind chills below zero and we run out of oil????!!!!!  Lordy!  So we have some now and I am ordering more 20 days from now instead of 30.  Man!  I may also order a little extra anytime I can. 

(hoping for warmer temps!!!!!)

Got my first quiz back today - perfect score!!!!!  It was a terribly easy quiz on things I have interpreted a million times in the last few years.  It's algebra right now, which I reallt like.  Hopefully I will continue to do well. 

Tomorrow is our January family bday dinner.  It was too cold for me to run down to the mall where I think they have cheaper university hoodies.  (for Col)  So, I will be driving down there tomorrw morning.  I have NO ideas at all for my bro.  Jamie is coming home for this - yay!  Still no answer if Jerry is coming.  Seesh. Guess I get to be surprised either way. 

For now - dishes, laundry and bed.

Kind of strange... Jamie goes back to school tomorrow.  I will miss her of course.  She is funny, smart, loud, cute, thoughtful, sometimes a pain and/or aruguementative but she is a love.  She cares for other people and appreciates what they offer. 

As one child leaves, another one enters.  Eddie's girlfriend is here much of the time.  She is cute, adores Eddie and he adores her.  They argue more than I would like, but that's okay.  As her mom seems a little off at times, they often stay here.  Alyssa's house is nicer and neat as a pin.  Unfortunately, I do not think she feels as at home there as she does here.  It must be hard for her.  When she is here, she calls me mom.  I would never correct her, as I remember how crushed I was when my mother in law corrected me calling her mom at a huge family diner in front of everyone there.  Eddie and Alyssa are not married or anything, but I will not make her feel less welcomed.  It may be overkill, but if the kiddo needs a safe place, she has one here. 

Last night, three of the girls from work and I went to Whole Foods for a free class.  We had such a good time.  The class was basicly about shopping smart.  My friend Patti and I could probably write the book on stretching money for groceries.  We never the less learned some things about Whole Foods and some of the more reasonable buys there.  We combined it into a tour and shopping venture.  The girl leading us was wonderful.  She is personable, smart and alot of fun.  It's funny - Patti and I are 44 yr old moms, K is mid 30s and A is 22.  We are all co-workers, but we had a great time and joked around and enjoyed the evening.  Our guide Dana finally asked how we knew each other and we explained that we worked together.  Dana was surprised but got a kick out of us.  We had dinner (before the class), had our class and ate samples along the way.  Dana figured out I didn't eat dairy and was sweet enough to give me an entire bad of delicious chocolate cookies.  At the end they gave us each a lunch bag with a dairy free choclolate bar and whole wheat pasta inside.  I'm really glad we all went.

Today was an inservice.  No students is a nice break.  We went to the inclusion session.  In case you are not involved in education in any way, inclusion is the flavor of the day for special education.  This takes mainstreaming a step further.  More special ed students are pushed into "regular" classes with support staff that are there in the room rather than in a special resource room.  Teachers co-teach with a special ed teacher in the room.  What I have seen this become is clusters of students within the same room, a special kid doing something loosely related in the same room or info is presented in a slower fashion with modified worksheets and tests given to the "lower" kids.  Even wonderful teachers have some trouble with this.  Because of No Child Left Behind, more and more schools, teachers and administrators are being pushed to teach to the test.  Cheating has occured by staff in some areas and numbers have been puffed up to avoid the government taking away funding or a state taking control of a school. 

While I do not have any magic answer, I resent instructional time being used for practice tests and the like.  My own kids have experienced such things as teachers being told to enforce strict rules while taking the real tests or practice tests.  If you happen to be an above average kid and finish early, you may not read a book brought in or study for a class.  You MUST only look over your test or sit there.  That to me is a terrible waste of time.  The kids are being forced to fit in a one size fits everyone mold.  If you cannot score proficient on these exams you are a nobody.  The exams thus far have tested only writing, reading and math.  If you are brillaint in Social Studies, Science, music, art, dance, theatre, mechanical arts, technical drawing, horticulture, cosmetology, etc - you mean nothing.  Ok, so if every kid can fill in a circle correctly, they are worthy of our respect.  If you are fluent in languages, but cannot write English well you mean zip.  Fine and dandy.  Everyone is to go to college and get a bachelors.  Ok.  And who is going to fix our cars, re-wire our houses, re-connect a leaky pipe or craft gorgeous woodwork?  They will be see as nothing.  In teaching to the tests, are we stressing out  children so badly that anyone who gets below profficient will see themselves destined to failure?  Will we lose the good teachers who foster creative thinking?  Are we losing the next Mozart, Enstein or Bill Gates?  What great inventions are we drilling right out of these kids?  What great composition or masterpiece?  I really hope Congress thinks long and hard about voting to continue NCLB.  I would like kids to be encouraged to think.  End of soap box lecture. 

Haven't heard from my guy since Tuesday night.  Left messages, but no call-backs.  I miss him and of course and am engaging in stinkin' thinkin'.  Then again, who knows what tomorrow will bring. 

Colleen rented a few movies a few days ago.  Two were actually something I wanted to see.  I finally watched Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest.  That was  fun.  I watched Lady in the Water tonight.  M. Knight Shamalan is from the Philadelphia area.  I like most of his films.  The symoblism is well used and the stories very enjoyable.  (although I never have made it through Signs)  Aside from spying some nearby locations,which is always a kick, there is always some kind of moral or theme.  Tonight, Lady in the Water made me feel hopeful and happy.  Not too bad for $3.99! 

This relationship stuff is difficult.  There are times I think it would be easier just to be by myself.  Easier sure but not nearly as rich or as much fun.  The last I had seen Jerry was Monday.  I had gone over to his house to iwsh him a Happy New Year.  We had a nice afternoon and I really didn't feel like leaving.  We didn't talk Tues.  Weds I called him a few times and left messages.  He called back from a place where he was picking up a truck a friend had given him. which he gave to his roomate.  The roomate's truck is on its last legs and they both use it.  I called him back at his house to pick his brain about one of my male students.  We had a really nice chat and he was sweet.  Thurs I head nothing.  Friday nothing and I leave a message that basicly says I'm only leaving it cuz you don't like hang-ups. 

Yesterday was gorgeous.  We had temps in the 70s and sunny skies.  I had mentioned that it would be a great day for a ride on his Harley.  I hear nothing all day.  Finally, I call his house phone and leave a sarcastic message that I wasn't too proud of.  He called back as I was walking up to the house where Colleen went to meet friends and t5ake pics before dinner.  I kept it short, but found out that he and Dan had been working on the truck all day.  I promise to call back.  It took come time to take the pics there, (all the kids looked great and seemed to be having a wonderful time) take Eddie over to Alyssa's take pics there come home and call my neice so she can interview me for a school project and then get ready to drive over to Jerry's.  Eddie looked extra handsome and Alyssa is one pretty girl.  Eddie doesn't really appreciate all the getting ready stuff, but I think he had a good time at the dance.  They left a little early, as someone kicked Alyssa's ankle by accident, then they went out to a diner. 

When I finally made it up to Jerry's it was about 7:45.  AS soon as he answered the door I could tell he was really really tired.  I tried to apologize for being grumpy on my messages, but he really hadn't seen anyof them as being anything to apologize for.  He tried to be attentive as usual, but kept falling asleep.  I felt bad that he was trying to stay awake when he was obvously so tired, so I left after about a half hour.  I would have been fine just to let him sleep on the couch and watch tv or something. 

Since I hadn't really made myself clear while we were talking, I sent him an email explaining how I had felt and why things had been bothering me.  He puts up with alot with all my hang ups from my past relationships and I tyr to so the same for him.  I haven't felt like I have been all that successful with doing that lately.  In the email, I also included that I feel lucky that we met and all the good things I do see in him.  He and Dan are supposed to be working on the truck again today.  I don't know if they are starting as early as yesterday - 7am but I would not be surprised.  The Eagles' game starts at 4:30 and we are supposed to get some rain soon after that. 

I need to let him be busy or quiet without assuming something bad is happening.  Seesh.  It amazes me that I am still so insecure.  I am much much better than I was right after Bill and I split, but I guess there is still a part of me that assumes no man is going to love me for me and stick around for a long time.  That's pretty sad and silly.  If I see myself as my kids or friends see me, there is no reason at all that shouldn't happen.  I easily tell me girlfriends that they should apply the girlfriend rule to their guys: does he treat you the way you would want your best girlfriend to be treated by her bf?  Jerry does.  He is sensitive, caring and honest.  Why do I create drama when there is already plenty in my life? 

Oh well, dishes, laundry and cleaning await. 

It is 70 degrees outside today and I live in the Northeast.  How bizzarre is this?  I am  not complaining, espcially as there are places recently hit with non stop snow storms and tornados, I am just a bit flabergasted.  As much as I dislike shoveling out when we do get snow and hate the cold even more, this is just so weird!

Eddie and Colleen have their semi-formal tonight.  They will both be lovely/handsome and hopefully have a good time.  Eddie is all low key about it.  About the only problem he will have is deciding between a grey or black shirt and tieing the tie.  I STILL do not know how to do that so I will be no help.  Maybe IF Jerry calls me I will ask him to come over to help us out. 

He and I talked Weds night.  He said he has been busy, and probably is.  Still, at least part is probably him feeling down.  I think tonight if he doesn't end up calling I will go over there again and see if he will talk to me.  I'm not at all interested in giving any ultimatums, just as I wouldn't want any myself.  I do need to know what is going on and enjoying talking to him =, even about dull, every day kind of stuff. 

Most of the day yesterday and into last night, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.  With a bit more time, and a talk with Jerry, I feel better now. 

I was feeling sorry for myself because I was home blogging.  (and that entry got lost, even though I saved it!)  Jerry doesn't much like the Holidays and has been known to shut down.  His past experiences and his son not coming out for a visit makes it a not so fun time for him.  I had gone out to his house Friday night.  Did not ask if he minded or anything, I just went.  We had a nice time.  I showed him the spoils of his labors - all the goodies I bought using his gift car.  I got 5 tops and 2 pair of pants.  He shared some of the things he bought for his bike.  We watched a silly comedy.  He had offered to watch the Da Vinci Code with me, but me being the dummy I am declined.  Seemed too long - it would have been over about midnight.  I do goofy things like that.  Then, instead of saying oh, that sounds neat I didn't pick up on him saying he was planning on sleeping infront of his fireplace that night.  Nope, I let golden opportunities like that zoom right by me. 

So, I got bummed out.  Jerry sent me a text about 10pm.  I finally called him back about a half a hour later.  It was good to hear his voice and apparently I am not the only goofy one.  He had bought a bottle of champagne and did not tell me as he remembered I get pretty buzzed with only one or two glasses of wine.  I'm glad I found out he had been thinking of me as well.  He and I need to talk a whole lot more. 

I know on my end of it, it bummed me out that his past relationships left him so hurt.  It maddened me that we had to suffer because of it and I felt a little neglected.  The it hit me - ah gee don't I have some stuff that HE has to deal with?  Definitely.  I assume all men will treat me like Bill did.  Rationally I can put that further in the back of my mind.  Emotionally, I am very insecure.  This makes me mad, as I thought I had worked through much of that.  Guess it is an on-going process.   David more or less taught me that hey, a guy could be interested in me, but he kept me at arm's length. 

There's a part of me that was fine with that.  If I never let someone completely in, then he cannot break my heart when he leaves.  Jerry hasn'y done anything for me to think this way.  Still, he has to deal with my hang ups from my past.  When he gets goofy, I need to remember that.  He has done nothing but treat me well and be extra good to me.  Maybe this year will be one where we can grow together.